Sunday, January 5, 2014

Our Story

A friend eagerly shares the good news, and I smile back, squeezing Daniel's hand under the table, willing to show only the happiness. I'll cry later.

It's been three years. Three years of doctor visits, surgery, medication. Three years of crying, hoping, praying. I am still not pregnant.

Our church has has times for people to get up and tell about what God has been doing in the past year(s) in their life, and several times people have shared a similar story. But it's always after God has granted them a child. Or children. What about the people still in the mess and pain?

Two years ago, we knew something was wrong. It had been a year and I wasn't pregnant. I made an appointment with the doctor, and told our parents; it was a few days before Mother's Day. During a routine test, the doctor discovered some scar tissue that was preventing pregnancy. Surgery was scheduled two weeks before Thanksgiving. I woke up from surgery to learn that my tubes were blocked; I would never have children except through in-vitro (that's the really expensive one where they remove eggs, fertilize them, then a few days later implant them). We weren't going to be able to afford that for years.

The only thing that sustained me during those bleak months were old hymns: Pensive Doubting Fearful Heart, I Asked the Lord, and O Heart Bereaved and Lonely played on repeat. We also started an envelope for saving for IVF. God would graciously and randomly provide unexpected money for that envelope.

Last spring, we went to another doctor for a second opinion. The same test was performed, and my tubes were clear! Something else showed up on the screen, so another surgery was scheduled to remove what turned out to be a polyp and a fibroid.

Currently, I am on medication to regulate my hormones and make me ovulate.

In these past three years, we have learned to long more desperately for Heaven, where all tears will be wiped away and all things made new. We have received peace in the middle of fear. We have known God to be close to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18) and to be "the Father of compassion and the God of all that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God" (2 Cor1:3-4)

Psalm 113:9
He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children. Praise the LORD!